Marriage to the Faint Hearted

This is a fun essay written by one of my students. It contains characteristic views of the young people in Taiwan towards marriage.

Why are there so few couples heading towards marriage, these days?

You know… that KNOT that the older generation urges us to tie.

They say, “Marriage is an easy way to simplify your life!”

“And married friends are better to have!!”

But they only point out the positives.

They also say, “As you get older, your life will be more difficult to maintain!”

And we say, “We agree with you there. You don’t need to tell us so!”

“Wedding expenses!”

“House payments!”

“Car maintenance!”

“Child care!”

“All the living expenses for a large family!”

How can I pay all that money??? It’s unimaginable!

(Sarcastically) “My husband’s friends are very nice savages!” (Just kidding dear!)

OK, let’s consider it for one moment.

Ideally, we could just have a small family with only one son, living together.

That way, Dad's income alone would be enough to feed us all.

But father would still have to work very hard to make enough money.

But with such a small family and with father always working, the family life would be boring.

But even so, Grandma says, “Life is not so hard!” (She seems out of touch with reality.)

But what if our first child is not a son, and more children come? What will we do with them all?

Are you “Pro-Life” or “Pro-Choice”? (I am not ready for such a heavy decision as this one!)

Either way, Mother will have to work, and spend more money on a babysitter or a day care center!

Raising children and supporting our aging parents… Is this what married life is all about?

Geez! Why would I ever want to make my life become so boring, hard and complicated???

I would much rather cling to the thousand hopes of youth, and avoid all these issues which will only make me poor, exhausted and light-headed.

So my conclusion is… 

Unless you’re stinking rich, don’t even think about getting married.

What I Have Learned About Myself After Coming To Taiwan

Please see the previous article, entitled, “Cultural Observations of Taiwan”, for a background.

What I Have Learned About Service

The Taiwanese work longer and harder than their western counterpart, but it seems that westerners have an easier life.  Why is this?

I am reminded of one thing I learned in sales: 

“If you work hard, the job will be easy.  But if you take the job easy, it will become hard.”

The point here, is mainly about the importance of your passion and focus in whatever you are doing.  This is the weakness of the Taiwanese obsession with the high-quality life of leisure.  You see, because of the Taiwanese value of pursuing pleasure and enjoyment in life, the expression of passion in ones service, and the ability to focus on ones work, are two things largely absent in Taiwanese culture.

This observation makes it painfully obvious how important it is to choose a profession that you enjoy.  (I hope that my readers might learn this truth by reading this blog, and thereby save themselves a trip to Taiwan!)

I am a person who has worked long and hard to achieve a career that I can put my whole heart into.  I am now an English teacher in Taiwan.  I love the interaction with the people, my students, and I believe this is the greatest part about my work.  I’m also doing Engineering research, and I write and edit papers too.  I have passion and focus on what I am doing, and as a result, I can work hard and have an easy job. 

Does that make sense?

I fully believe that success comes easily to those who have conviction and passion for what they are doing, and not necessarily to those who simply pursue high-paying, professional careers. 

A functional fit is more important than a respectable form.

The key to success is to find those who need the service that you have conviction and passion about.  If you have to travel to the other side of the world to find those people, it is well worth it!

What I Have Learned About Inner Joy

I had a very unhappy childhood, and I have never been happy in my whole life.  In addition, I’ve never pursued happiness or even believed it was important.  But when I came to Taiwan, I realized that happiness is important.  Although religion and morality are good, I saw that there is more to life than this.  I learned that my life has been way too strict, and too bound up by rules and regulations. 

Living in Taiwan has been very instrumental in teaching me how to loosen up, discover my own happiness and enjoy life to the fullest.  Only after coming to Taiwan did I realize how legalistic I have been, and how much I have depended on my concept of law to give my life meaning, structure and order.  I’ve also learned how my maturity has been impeded because I habitually relied on justifying myself with that same principle of law, instead of facing my inner self, gaining a new hope and a new vision, and demanding something from my life and myself that is above and beyond the law.

God does not want us to be miserable and unhappy.  God certainly has rules and expectations for us, but it is not His will for us to be in spiritual bondage to the law.  God desires us to be liberated from the law, so that we can fulfill the requirements of the law, not out of fear or compulsion, but out of the freedom of our hearts, as an expression of our joy and love for God and our fellow man.

Only after I came to Taiwan have I learned that my own joy and contentment must come first.  Then, and only then, will I have the freedom and maturity to think about achievement and service, etc.

I’ve stopped thinking about what I “have to do”, or what I “ought to do”, and I’ve started to consider what I really “want to do”, and what would make me the most joyful in the long run.  I’ve learned that I must take responsibility for my own life, to make it what I want it to be, and what God wants it to be. 

Since coming to Taiwan, I know that the idea of living out of one’s heart, as described by writers such as John Eldredge, is a basic spiritual law that every person must discover in his relationship with God before he can fully realize the joy of living at peace with God.

Perhaps, for the first time in my life, I can earnestly say now that I am enjoying my life and that I am sincerely thankful and content for what I have.

Cultural Observations of Taiwan

I am an American who has lived in Taiwan for six years. During this time, I have made the following observations of Taiwanese culture, in comparison to western culture.

Characteristic Values of the Taiwanese*
* These values are the most commonly held notions of what Taiwanese people hold to be good or right, and not what is commonly observed in their daily behavior, which is very frequently the opposite.

What is the cultural value in Taiwan? What do people believe is “right”?

The “right approach” is to see life as something to be enjoyed and experienced – “breathed in” above all else. (Americans would identify this with their “right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”.)

The “right attitude” is to experience life freely for what it gives you, and not what you make it to be (works), or what you believe is true (faith). They have the notion that reality and experience is the best indicator of truth, as it is interpreted through their own cultural beliefs. (In reality, Taiwanese culture is largely based on works, whereas, western Christian principles emphasize faith as paramount.)

The “right disposition” is to believe that life is good, even magnificent, and all the goodness in life is just waiting for you to arrive. Failure to attain the goodness of life is blamed on one’s own vain, lustful grasping, or in general, upon one’s unworthiness to receive such goodness. (Westerners explain this phenomenon as “trusting God” vs. spiritual frustration.)

The “right expectation” is to be content with what you have. Displaying ones’ desires, needs, or exercising the willpower to attain something naturally hurts this process and is considered to be selfish, greedy, “childish” behavior. A mature person who displays any kind of desire is considered rude, base and depraved. (This value may be compared to the Western teaching of “Thou shalt not covet”.)

The “right self-image” is one of purity and innocence combined with professional pride. Maturity is not highly regarded as it is in the west. If parents have the time, money and energy, they will coddle and pamper their children in efforts to prevent them from being “exposed” to the difficulties of life, thus delaying their maturity and independence. While at the same time, parents put severe pressure on young people to become high-performers and over-achievers. (This combination actually results in widespread hopelessness, depression and suicide among many young people in Taiwan.) Parents actually expect their children to someday “pay back” all their belabored efforts in nurturing them while protecting their innocence. (Westerners differ in that they try to establish their self-image as one who is beloved by family and popular among peers.)

The “right expression of the will” is to maintain ones’ ego in the face of all violations of what one perceives to be right. This in itself is also perceived to be right, and is even respected as a virtue of integrity. As a result, the conscience can always be preserved, and so it’s easy to discern the “good guys” from the “bad guys”. This gives them an intuitive “sixth-sense” about who can be trusted. (In contrast, westerners tend to believe that the more confident individual is always superior in moral capability.)

People strongly believe that becoming a tough, rugged and mature individual (which is so highly admired in western culture) is both selfish and ugly. In short, to be regarded as “high-class” in Taiwanese society, a person must have a high education, a lot of money, no bad history, no libido and no opinions.

Upon observation, these perspectives are true in a sense, assuming that we live in a perfect world paradise. (But in contrast, westerners cling to a more realistic approach: “The world is harsh, cruel and competitive. Love is treacherous and righteousness is risky.” Confidence then becomes a valuable personal virtue.)

Common Views on Politics

Concerning politics, most people in Taiwan have deeply set convictions about how government and society should function, and they frequently take a hard-nosed attitude of, “This is how things should be done! You should comply for the benefit of the nation! If you disagree with me, then you are wrong!” Therefore, people usually avoid discussing politics, because they consider such arguments to be rude or disruptive.

Individuals commonly sacrifice their political freedoms, and sometimes even their human rights, in order to cling to an illusion of serenity and perfection. By doing so, they retain the emotional freedom to experience the goodness of life, and to keep ones’ self free from the social burdens and the emotional entanglements that a politically ambitious lifestyle can bring.

Problems in life, including the misfortunes of others, are seen as a “tar baby” that should never be touched. They think it is better to mind your own business and be self-sufficient. (This might be compared to the western need for privacy.) People do not have the hope of improving the condition of their environment or effectively helping other people, because they think that getting involved in messy situations will only “contaminate” themselves, destroy their reputation and their sense of serenity and well-being, and drag them into the quagmire of life.

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so!” – Hamlet (by Wm. Shakespeare)

Common Views on Civil Law

Because of the busy lifestyle, the close-knit family structure and the emphasis on respectable achievement, the crime rate is extremely low in Taiwan. The Taiwanese interpret this as an indication that their society is healthy and people are happy.

English speaking people rely heavily on the law to give their society structure and order. However, in Taiwan, people do not have a high regard for the law, and merely see the law as a proper guideline that should be followed. Instead of observing the civil authorities, the Taiwanese would rather see themselves as being accountable to their families and to society. Westerners might think that Taiwanese see themselves as being above the law, choosing to obey or disobey along the lines of convenience or beneficence. Taiwanese disagree, because they see the constraints of the law as being fundamentally opposed to the principle of enjoying life.

Most westerners see it proper to regard policemen as civil servants - agents to promote the public welfare, peace and security. However, many Taiwanese popularly consider law officials to be self-righteous meddlers and avoid them unless necessary. If people feel threatened beyond what they can manage, they would conduct a negotiation or hire a gang to do their dirty work before they would fall back on the police. This recourse of action is seen as better because it can be done privately, involving as few other people as possible, and without the uncontrollable, unpredictable and seemingly unreasonable censure of the law.

People in Taiwan are reluctant to take their disputes to a court of law, because the judicial system cannot systematically deliver justice for three reasons: (1) people who have problems are regarded to be people who deserve to have those problems (a somewhat fatalistic belief), and nothing can be done to change it. (2) People who are willing to spend their money and exercise their will-power to publicly display their problems in a court of law show that they have no modesty or belief in the goodness of life. By doing so, they inadvertently confirm that they deserve to have such problems. (3) Judicial employees typically are not concerned with the responsibilities of justice, because they are also pursuing a life of pleasure, and they care very little about the problems of the “depraved”.

“The world is thus, because thus we have made it!” – Cardinal Altamirano

The Inherent Contradictions of Taiwanese Culture

It should now become obvious to the reader that the Taiwanese see their island as a “utopian paradise”, where everyone is constantly pursuing personal pleasures and the enjoyment of a quality life as their main motivation in life. They view this as being good and right, and they are not to be blamed for this, for true joy and contentment are natural, God given desires in every human heart. (However, I doubt that any self-respecting Taiwanese person would openly admit to this.)

But as these notions have become representative of the culture, people have developed isolated, myopic individual views of life, which causes peoples’ pride to be inflated, while an attitude of inefficacy sinks in.

When unexpected events occur, people go into a shock of unbelief, and are unable to respond appropriately. As a result, little action is taken to prevent or correct any wrongs, or to make goals or achieve desires.

Of course, people live in constant fear that their serene joy will be “disturbed” by others. There is the constant reality that physical supplies are key resources to a person’s joy, and money is expected to supply both security and freedom. Therefore, competition becomes a prime, yet private concern. In order to gain the favor of others in competition, they present themselves as positively as possible. As a result, they are typically afraid of “losing face”.

To avoid inflicting envy and preserve the peace and one’s own security, people are typically very socially seclusive and they leave each other alone.

No one would feel comfortable asking or expecting help from others or from the community, because doing so would bring the shame and disgrace of being a free-loading, parasitic “dependent”, who is unable to take care of himself or provide for his own.

Social gatherings are restricted to one’s own family, their academic and residential community and their workplace environment. No one would ever imagine going to a party with the purpose of having fun and meeting new people (which is common in western culture), because the Taiwanese know that true joy begins in the heart, and men cannot be trusted without reservation.

Therefore, people grow to become extremely socially and emotionally dependent on family members. As a result, family relationships marked by controlling, manipulative relational habits are common. As a venue of escapism, video games, gossip, sensationalistic journalism, and ultra-dramatized television programs are the most popular pastimes for people in Taiwan.

Nevertheless, the majority of Taiwanese consider themselves to be “very happy” and have little interest in any kind of change. They are mainly unconcerned with newsworthy events in the rest of the world, and focus their attentions on their families, their work and their social lives.